This is what happens when I have a lot of time on my hands…

Certain things happen in your life that cause you to sit back and think. Something like this happened last week. For about a week I had a nagging pain in my leg. It felt like a muscle pull, but instead of getting better, it got progressively worse. Being the stubborn person that I am, it took a lot of poking and prodding from multiple people to finally get me to go to the doctor. The outcome was not what I wanted to hear – I have a blood clot in my left leg.

Now, a blood clot in your leg is not life-threatening per se – the danger comes in the potential of part of the clot breaking off and traveling to your heart or lungs. This is when it becomes dangerous and possibly deadly. So, when a clot is discovered, you are directed to the hospital – as in “drop everything and get yourself to the ER”. So, last Tuesday afternoon, I headed over to the ER, where they immediately began treating me with blood thinners. The goal is to dissolve the clot without having to go in and remove it surgically – which is fine with me! I personally have no desire to go under the knife any time soon! But, then again, I had no desire to be admitted into the hospital for “observation” either. Now I just have to be careful not to hurt myself, since my blood is thin and if I cut myself it will take a long time for it to clot. This should be interesting, considering how accident prone I can be.

Okay, enough about blood and stuff – don’t want to gross anyone out who might be squeamish about such things (I, personally, loved that reality show Trauma: Life in the ER on Discovery Channel and miss it! Yes, I’m weird like that!). That was not the purpose of this entry. The purpose was to explain the ensuing thoughts that have come from this little episode. I haven’t been able to do much in the last week – much of my time has been spent lying on a couch with my leg propped up on multiple pillows. Exciting life – but it’s given me much time to think. At a time when I have had no choice but to do nothing, I am able to think seriously about what gives life meaning. It certainly cannot be the things that I do – for if that is the case, my life would be basically meaningless right now. There is something of intrinsic value about me – and every other human being – and that is that we are created in the image of God. However marred by sin that image now is, it is still there, and therefore all of us should be treated with dignity and respect. Not for what we do but for what we are.

We love to ask the question – what is my purpose? And it is always tied to something that we are to do – some goal, some meaningful work. But as I read the Word of God, I don’t see that at all – I see that as children of God our purpose is to be conformed to the image of Christ. That has to do with inner character, a transformation of our hearts and minds, our thoughts and emotions, our desires and passions. James ties this to what we do by stating that we cannot be transformed on the inside without it showing on the outside. In other words, if the change is genuine, we will see it in how we choose to live. If we say we have changed, and yet continue in the same patterns with no thought or care, we need to take a deeper look. This is not to say that we will be without sin – that will only occur when we are face to face with the Lord. But the question is: do we care when we fall short? Do we seek the Lord to help us and change us? To we partner with Him to bring about that change?

It is difficult to speak in these terms because this is not something that can be measured. And so we seek to find that thing that we are to “do” – and are always afraid to settle because we might “miss out” if we do. But this leaves us in constant flux, our spirits endlessly restless. At least this is my experience – can anyone relate, or am I alone in this? Perhaps I am – but it just seems to me that the culture breeds this kind of disconnectedness and discontent. I find this even in the church – and it seems so sad to me because we hold the answer to life’s deepest question in the palm of our hand and the depth of our souls.

So this brings me back to the question – what brings my life meaning?  It is not so much what I do – I could be secretary, or the VP of a major corporation – but who am I in the midst? As I am living this life, who am I? I seem to fall onto this subject a lot, and I do wish that I could settle the matter. To find true contentment and fulfillment in what I have just considered. Example: I enjoy what I do (work-wise). It’s hard sometimes, but what job isn’t? And yet, at times I feel that what I do is of so little importance, that there is something wrong with me, that I should want more  – but why do I need it to be “important”? What makes it important? And what is this “more” that I am seeking?

As I ponder this, I think of Christ’s commission before He ascended into heaven – to go and make disciples. I learned in my studies that the verb tense in that verse is actually “as you are going” – a continuous action. As I am going, as I am living, as I am working, as I am in relationship with people…what purpose, so grand and wonderful! And yet I want more?

This is getting very long – I think I will stop for now. But I’m sure that I will have more opportunity to ponder these things as I sit in the days to come…

Pathways, Destinations, and Never-ending Journeys

Last night the Lord made connections for me that were quite profound. Things that were spoken to me almost six years ago became so crystal clear that I was in total awe! Here are a few things that God is working out in me right now.

Back in October 2001, as I was preparing to move back to Illinois from Georgia, I was invited to a woman’s retreat. The speaker at the retreat spoke about paths. The paths that we take in life, and the purposes to which they lead us. The norm is usually that these paths are not straight, they twist and turn, taking us “the long way around” to our destination (and I use that term loosely, as I’ll explain later). At the time, I knew these words were meaningful to me, but I did not get the full picture of what they meant. As I was thinking through things last night, a fuller understanding of these words came to me so clearly, I almost dissolved into tears.

One of the things I have had to work through is the desire I have to go back to the year 2000, when I made the decision to move from the Chicago area to Atlanta, and make a different choice. Moving to Atlanta was not the best decision, and the course of my life since has been quite difficult as a result. There were plenty of opportunities for me to back out of this decision, from my boss at the time letting me know that I could change my mind and stay, to the trouble with trying to find someone to take over my lease for my apartment. All of these things were indications that the choice was not good. I knew, even before I left, that I shouldn’t have gone. And when I finally arrived in Georgia, that feeling was confirmed over and over again, as the reasons for my move fell apart almost immediately. The responsibility for that choice is mine and mine alone, so I do not seek to place blame on anyone else for it. What I must reconcile in my heart is the truth that I cannot go back and change this event, and that the events that followed as a result were and still are profoundly important in the purpose of God for my life, namely to conform me to the image of His Son.

There were many things that were going right in my life at the time of my move that were dismantled after I arrived in Georgia. But, as I pondered the teaching from this retreat, I came to a realization that perhaps the very purpose of the move was to dismantle certain things in my life so that new things could be built up. There were places of clear and present danger ( i.e., major temptations) that I would not have been equipped to handle at that time had I remained in the Chicago area. The strengthening of my life and relationship with the Lord in that area that took place while I was away was necessary and evident, even though I moved toward the temptation again when I came back to Chicagoland. The end result could have been markedly different back then, and I recognize that very well.

My point is that the twist and turn that was my stay in Georgia was a part of the process through which I am being conformed to the image of Christ. So, while on the one hand I can call the decision a “mistake”, on the other hand I can say that God uses all things for His glory and my good, and therefore not look at disdain on the experience. The path through Georgia led me back to Chicago and off to seminary, something that I had not considered before. My experiences in Champaign – my first destination upon moving back to Illinois – and the blessing of reconnecting with my family perhaps would not have happened. The reality is that God used that mistake for His ultimate purposes, and so I cannot begrudge the experience. And while I can point to the past and dredge up all kinds of “what if” scenarios, the reality is I cannot relive that past, and mulling over the possibilities is really a waste of my time. What I can do is look to that past, see how God has been faithful, learn from the mistakes I have made so I don’t make them again, and move onto the future.

What is the destination of that future; well, it is indeed to be conformed to Christ’s image. That is such an ambiguous statement; I want specifics! But what of those specifics? How do I become “conformed to the image of Christ”? It is in the process, the path, the journey through which I must pass, as I draw close to Him through His Word, His people, and His Spirit. The destination is not one I can pin down in this lifetime and say “I have arrived”. We always want to arrive somewhere, but the journey is really what this life is about. In a sense there are little journeys with mini-destinations woven into the fabric of the larger journey that leads us toward our final redemption in Christ Jesus. This is the destination. It will not happen until we see our Lord, but we can see glimpses of it as we walk the path that is our life. But we must not mistake those smaller destinations with the greater one. For in all these things we are seeking to live in the purpose for which we were created – to glorify our Creator…

Just Some Thoughts That Are Running Through My Head…

This question of meaning and purpose seems to permeate the lives of most of my friends. We seem to spend ourselves in an endless pursuit to understand why in the world we are here, and what we are doing. Restlessness characterizes the state of our souls as we wrestle with these questions and wonder if we’ll ever find the answers. And, as a 34-year-old woman, I feel I should know by now!

Something strikes me about this pursuit: the questions are all about “me” – they are hardly ever about the community and the family. We are a generation that is focused on “me” – what is “my” destiny, “my” purpose. I have the right to follow my dreams no matter what. Self-actualization and self-fulfillment are the keys to happiness and contentment – even our Christian authors tell us this. And yet we are miserable, still wandering around trying to “find ourselves”. But what of the community – the people in our lives, our families? What of living for others and with others? Do we even know how to do that anymore – recognizing that the decisions we make as individuals affect other people around us? It is not always – as a matter of fact it is not usually – all about “me”. There is an “us”, whether we realize this or not.

I find this frustrating in relationships many times. Both me and the other person are focused so much on what “I” want, that we don’t think about how our actions are affecting the other person. And the moment “my” needs are not being met exactly as I desire, it’s over. My parents have not stayed married for 41 years thinking like this, I can tell you that! This is not to say that the selfishness of human nature never manifests itself in their relationship; but the vow before God and man and the importance of commitment seems to keep them from moving away from one another when things get difficult. Their love is built upon this vow and commitment and not their fickle feelings of self-fulfillment and satisfaction. They know and are committed to the fact that marriage is a bond that makes two people one – and that means that each person in that “one” must think of the other above themselves. Even in friendships or family relationships this is important. And we have lost this art.

But, I digress…back to this question of meaning and purpose. And how we find it. I still don’t know. And this is why I shall begin a study of the wisdom literature, first starting with Ecclesiastes. It seems the questions that endlessly float through my mind have already been broached by the author of this book. So, I shall, with God’s help, venture into this territory.

One of my favorite passages in Ecclesiastes is in chapter 3: “He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end” (v. 11, ESV). As I see it now, nothing that I do on this earth will fulfill that deepest part of me. For eternity has been placed in my heart – and it is that eternity for which I live.

As believers, we were made for eternity with Christ. This world is not going to satisfy us; our true purpose is not to be found on this earth. For there is something that transcends this temporal time that we inhabit; we shall be eternally with our Lord, and at that moment when He is revealed, so the true meaning of our lives shall be revealed. This does not make what we do in the here and now completely worthless. On the contrary, it gives hope and purpose to all that we do on this earth, for we know that we are pointed toward the climax of history, when we shall see all that God has prepared for us, for creation, and most importantly, for His glory.

And so, when this question of purpose and direction begins to knock on the door of my heart and rattle me, I go back to this truth. That the purpose of God’s glory is the pursuit of my life – and that point to which my life is headed. When Christ is revealed and all things are made new in heaven and on earth, these things shall make sense. In the meantime, I walk one step at a time, knowing God’s grace reveals each step, and live each moment in hopeful anticipation of what is to come.