A wild adventure…a humbling realization

I’m sitting in a Best Western in Charlotte, NC right now as I’m writing this. I feel like it has been a lifetime since I left Illinois en route to my new home. Wednesday morning was the beginning of a wild adventure, all due to the weather. A massive winter storm barreled through the mid-section of the country this week. Twenty-four hourse of freezing rain assaulted parts of Arkansas and Kentucky, while snow piled up in Indianapolis and Cincinatti. So, what was going to be 2-day trip turned into a 3-day trip. And – oh joy – another storm is supposed to hit the same areas next week.

I took some pictures of the ice in Kentucky – when I get a chance I will post them. There must have been at least 2 inches of ice layered on everything in sight. The ice in the trees is absolutely beautiful, but it is also incredibly destructive. Limbs that were not able to bear the weight of the ice snapped and crashed to the ground, taking anything in their path with them. Including power lines, fences, or maybe even roofs! The last ime I heard, 23 people lost their lives in the storm, mostly from traffic accidents. Which makes the fact I made it here safely a wonderful opportunity to praise God for His protective hand as I traveled.

The final stretch of my trip was through the mountains in western North Carolina (pictures forthcoming). Some of the best views were ones I couldn’t capture on film because I was driving…from the vantage point of my car, the mountains were a formidable presence. I felt quite small as I compared myself to them. And, thus became the humbling realization.

Not that I didn’t know this…I was just given the opportunity to consider it for many…many…many hours in my car…

When I compare myself to the wonders that God has made, I see how incredibly small I am – my life is indeed a vapor. I am indeed dust…that the Lord would consider me is amazing. Romans 1 reminds us that God’s invisible attributes are made visible in the things He has made. His creation is truly awesome – and not in the way we so flippantly use the word “awesome” in our culture. But an awe that should inspire reverent fear in each heart.

I’m too tired to go beyond that point. There’s much for me to be thankful for tonight – especially the bed and pillow I will make use of very soon. May the Lord be with those who will not be able to do the same.

Grace and peace…

Yes, I’m still here…

Well hello there! I just looked at the date of my last blog entry – it was so long ago!!

I just wanted to stop by and say…I am still here…

I am currently in North Carolina and have been here since the beginning of September. That’s around the time my blogging went bye-bye. Life has been busy with work since then, and writing has quite frankly been the furthest thing from my mind. But, as I prepare to return to Chicagoland, I realize that I have a lot to talk (i.e., write) about! The Lord has packed so much in such a short amount of time, and the fruit of His working in my life is breath-taking. I don’t even know where to begin…but begin I shall.

So I will be returning to this love of mine called blogging very soon.

Hope to see you soon!

Grace and peace…

New Year Reflections, Part 1

2007 is quickly drawing to a close. The final hours of the year are upon us, and this is usually the time that I begin to reflect on the year gone by. Here are a few of the thoughts I had…

I have had this drive for the longest to find what my “mission” or “calling” in life. This has led me to many dangerous and downright stupid decisions. I wrote this a few weeks back in my journal:

Many of the decisions I have made in the last seven or so years have had much to do with earning God’s favor. I felt as though I needed to be called to vocational ministry and sought out a way to “find” that calling (how backward that seems now!) at whatever cost. This skewed view of life in Christ led me to Atlanta, and even to Trinity, in search for that twinge in my soul, that open door of opportunity, that big call to some hugely important ministry. And it never came. I have spent most of the last two years nursing the wounds of this exercise in futility, as I recover from the constant beating of my head against a wall that is just not going to move.

I cannot say that this time was “wasted” however. This seems such an inappropriate thing to say. The Lord certainly worked through this time of confusion and absolute stupidity (at times). He walked with me through each wrong turn, and was there when I returned to Him with my hands outstretched and empty. As we were talking about in Sunday School this morning, every decision, every motive of my heart was used to accomplish God’s purposes – even if those motives and decisions were wrong headed or selfish, or even sinful. God uses it all, and has brought to this place where I stand today largely through this winding, convoluted pathway where my decisions have taken me.

This idea of mission is directly related to grounding. The grounding must be thought more in terms of foundation. What do I build my life upon? Is it making a name for myself? For seeking the biggest and best of all things? Am I seeking to be “important” in ministry or business or some other aspect of life? These things cannot be the foundation of my life. My foundation must be Christ.

And so, the pursuit of my life for this coming year is to learn what it means to build my life upon this foundation. I think some key things have taken place that have put me in this path. Most importantly, the Lord has called me to Himself. This happened nine years ago. I think a large part of these past nine years has been about breaking down the pride that had welled up in me. Thinking I had to do something “big” for the Lord, to be important and powerful. Trying, desiring and lusting after things that really had more to do with me than with Christ. I am not saying that this is completely finished. I am simply saying that I see this as being a major reason for the desert of the past seven years.

I close this entry with a small prayer:

Lord, this year is slowly fading away. Two more weeks and we will say goodbye to 2007 and enter into a new year. As I spend this time reflecting on my life in this last year, I pray that You would enlighten me, illuminate my mind and heart that I might see how You have moved and discern the direction of Your leading. You have chipped away at so many rough edges; You have burned away so much dross. You have been faithful to answer prayers. I ask, dear Lord, for Your mercy and grace. I am in need of You. You are the only source of life. You are my salvation. Without You I have no hope, no life, no light in the darkness. I stand on You, on Your promises and on Your hope. It is the only sure foundation. Thank You, dear Lord, for Your salvation, mercy, grace and love. Amen.

Pathways, Destinations, and Never-ending Journeys

Last night the Lord made connections for me that were quite profound. Things that were spoken to me almost six years ago became so crystal clear that I was in total awe! Here are a few things that God is working out in me right now.

Back in October 2001, as I was preparing to move back to Illinois from Georgia, I was invited to a woman’s retreat. The speaker at the retreat spoke about paths. The paths that we take in life, and the purposes to which they lead us. The norm is usually that these paths are not straight, they twist and turn, taking us “the long way around” to our destination (and I use that term loosely, as I’ll explain later). At the time, I knew these words were meaningful to me, but I did not get the full picture of what they meant. As I was thinking through things last night, a fuller understanding of these words came to me so clearly, I almost dissolved into tears.

One of the things I have had to work through is the desire I have to go back to the year 2000, when I made the decision to move from the Chicago area to Atlanta, and make a different choice. Moving to Atlanta was not the best decision, and the course of my life since has been quite difficult as a result. There were plenty of opportunities for me to back out of this decision, from my boss at the time letting me know that I could change my mind and stay, to the trouble with trying to find someone to take over my lease for my apartment. All of these things were indications that the choice was not good. I knew, even before I left, that I shouldn’t have gone. And when I finally arrived in Georgia, that feeling was confirmed over and over again, as the reasons for my move fell apart almost immediately. The responsibility for that choice is mine and mine alone, so I do not seek to place blame on anyone else for it. What I must reconcile in my heart is the truth that I cannot go back and change this event, and that the events that followed as a result were and still are profoundly important in the purpose of God for my life, namely to conform me to the image of His Son.

There were many things that were going right in my life at the time of my move that were dismantled after I arrived in Georgia. But, as I pondered the teaching from this retreat, I came to a realization that perhaps the very purpose of the move was to dismantle certain things in my life so that new things could be built up. There were places of clear and present danger ( i.e., major temptations) that I would not have been equipped to handle at that time had I remained in the Chicago area. The strengthening of my life and relationship with the Lord in that area that took place while I was away was necessary and evident, even though I moved toward the temptation again when I came back to Chicagoland. The end result could have been markedly different back then, and I recognize that very well.

My point is that the twist and turn that was my stay in Georgia was a part of the process through which I am being conformed to the image of Christ. So, while on the one hand I can call the decision a “mistake”, on the other hand I can say that God uses all things for His glory and my good, and therefore not look at disdain on the experience. The path through Georgia led me back to Chicago and off to seminary, something that I had not considered before. My experiences in Champaign – my first destination upon moving back to Illinois – and the blessing of reconnecting with my family perhaps would not have happened. The reality is that God used that mistake for His ultimate purposes, and so I cannot begrudge the experience. And while I can point to the past and dredge up all kinds of “what if” scenarios, the reality is I cannot relive that past, and mulling over the possibilities is really a waste of my time. What I can do is look to that past, see how God has been faithful, learn from the mistakes I have made so I don’t make them again, and move onto the future.

What is the destination of that future; well, it is indeed to be conformed to Christ’s image. That is such an ambiguous statement; I want specifics! But what of those specifics? How do I become “conformed to the image of Christ”? It is in the process, the path, the journey through which I must pass, as I draw close to Him through His Word, His people, and His Spirit. The destination is not one I can pin down in this lifetime and say “I have arrived”. We always want to arrive somewhere, but the journey is really what this life is about. In a sense there are little journeys with mini-destinations woven into the fabric of the larger journey that leads us toward our final redemption in Christ Jesus. This is the destination. It will not happen until we see our Lord, but we can see glimpses of it as we walk the path that is our life. But we must not mistake those smaller destinations with the greater one. For in all these things we are seeking to live in the purpose for which we were created – to glorify our Creator…

Just Some Thoughts That Are Running Through My Head…

This question of meaning and purpose seems to permeate the lives of most of my friends. We seem to spend ourselves in an endless pursuit to understand why in the world we are here, and what we are doing. Restlessness characterizes the state of our souls as we wrestle with these questions and wonder if we’ll ever find the answers. And, as a 34-year-old woman, I feel I should know by now!

Something strikes me about this pursuit: the questions are all about “me” – they are hardly ever about the community and the family. We are a generation that is focused on “me” – what is “my” destiny, “my” purpose. I have the right to follow my dreams no matter what. Self-actualization and self-fulfillment are the keys to happiness and contentment – even our Christian authors tell us this. And yet we are miserable, still wandering around trying to “find ourselves”. But what of the community – the people in our lives, our families? What of living for others and with others? Do we even know how to do that anymore – recognizing that the decisions we make as individuals affect other people around us? It is not always – as a matter of fact it is not usually – all about “me”. There is an “us”, whether we realize this or not.

I find this frustrating in relationships many times. Both me and the other person are focused so much on what “I” want, that we don’t think about how our actions are affecting the other person. And the moment “my” needs are not being met exactly as I desire, it’s over. My parents have not stayed married for 41 years thinking like this, I can tell you that! This is not to say that the selfishness of human nature never manifests itself in their relationship; but the vow before God and man and the importance of commitment seems to keep them from moving away from one another when things get difficult. Their love is built upon this vow and commitment and not their fickle feelings of self-fulfillment and satisfaction. They know and are committed to the fact that marriage is a bond that makes two people one – and that means that each person in that “one” must think of the other above themselves. Even in friendships or family relationships this is important. And we have lost this art.

But, I digress…back to this question of meaning and purpose. And how we find it. I still don’t know. And this is why I shall begin a study of the wisdom literature, first starting with Ecclesiastes. It seems the questions that endlessly float through my mind have already been broached by the author of this book. So, I shall, with God’s help, venture into this territory.

One of my favorite passages in Ecclesiastes is in chapter 3: “He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end” (v. 11, ESV). As I see it now, nothing that I do on this earth will fulfill that deepest part of me. For eternity has been placed in my heart – and it is that eternity for which I live.

As believers, we were made for eternity with Christ. This world is not going to satisfy us; our true purpose is not to be found on this earth. For there is something that transcends this temporal time that we inhabit; we shall be eternally with our Lord, and at that moment when He is revealed, so the true meaning of our lives shall be revealed. This does not make what we do in the here and now completely worthless. On the contrary, it gives hope and purpose to all that we do on this earth, for we know that we are pointed toward the climax of history, when we shall see all that God has prepared for us, for creation, and most importantly, for His glory.

And so, when this question of purpose and direction begins to knock on the door of my heart and rattle me, I go back to this truth. That the purpose of God’s glory is the pursuit of my life – and that point to which my life is headed. When Christ is revealed and all things are made new in heaven and on earth, these things shall make sense. In the meantime, I walk one step at a time, knowing God’s grace reveals each step, and live each moment in hopeful anticipation of what is to come.