Based on what I wrote yesterday, I feel it’s important for me to state a few things.

Ethnically speaking, I am Black. This is my heritage, my history. I would never deny or denigrate that heritage. If I am to embrace who God has created me to be, I will embrace that fact. The issue is not one of denial but definition – what does it mean to be “Black”? This is the question of the hour. Actually, this has been the question of my entire life.

Now, I am not going to pretend that I can answer that question completely. Nor am I inclined at this moment to go there. I am still trying to figure that out in my head. Sometimes I wish I could take a vacation from thinking about these things. But this topic invades every aspect of my self-understanding to the point that to disengage from it would feel like a denial of my very existence. Which is a telling statement if there ever was one.

Let me explain this using a very pertinent current topic – Barack Obama. As an African-American, I am genuinely excited that the Democratic Party is poised to name a fellow African-American their nominee for the highest post in the land. This is an achievement that I did not expect to see in my lifetime. But his nomination has brought up all kinds of issues that highlight the problem of speaking in “racial” terms.

Is he “Black enough” was the question that arose when he first came on the scene. “He’s so articulate” drove Black folks crazy (me included) because when we hear that we read into it all kinds of assumptions that we’ve been conditioned to think. So, with neck rolling, my first thought when I read that was, “What, a Black man can’t be articulate? What are they trying to say? Would they have said that about a White guy?” My own personal issues and, frankly, my sin raised its ugly head at that moment.

Then there’s this issue – actually, Obama is really White and Black. But the way we construct our understanding of race only allows us to put him into one category…and he has had to live that out in his life in this country. Because of the way we view race, we narrow our perception of who he is and slice away half of his heritage in the process.

Anyone who knows me knows I am very fair skinned. Why is this so? It is certainly not because all my anscestors are from Africa. Ethnically speaking, who am I? Am I “Black” as we have come to define it in America? The obvious answer is yes – but what makes me “Black”? How arbitrary is this identification, and how does it explain the other ethnic heritages that make up my history?

I have indeed been enculturated in the Black community by virtue of my family identity and my being raised in the Black church. But I also grew up in a predominantly White neighborhood and was influenced by that as well. So, how do I put these things together? Am I even allowed to? Do I have to choose? Larger forces bearing down on me socially speaking would say yes I do…

Back to Obama: There is this unspoken pressure that simply because I am Black, that automatically says I will support him. But what should inform my voting choice – my “race” or something else? And if I say I don’t support Obama, am I betraying my heritage, my history, my people?

Who, by the way, are “my people”? Are they all Black folks – or the family of God?

Can you see my pain? Do you feel the struggle?

I certainly did not anticipate being this self-disclosing. But this is the struggle when I speak of “racial identity”. This is why this topic is so important to me – and so downright annoying at times.

I also think it’s important for me to state that I am not angry…simply perplexed. Confused. Slightly schizophrenic when it comes to this topic. Because quite frankly, it’s just that puzzling to me. It is a burden I believe the Lord has placed on my heart. It is a wound on my soul that God is healing, and I feel compelled to share that healing process…If you’ve read my testimony you can see what I mean.

No answers today. Just questions. Which seems to be the norm for me as of late. *sigh*

Grace and peace…